Monday, July 7, 2008

The List (dear aggressive)

dear aggressive,

I’m 28 now. I know what I like. In the interest of time, I’ve prepared this list of what I love and can’t stand. after completion, proceed or recede.

welcome to my list.

  1. I want a feminist colored sensitive thoughtful sexy funny intelligent sweet attentive hard butch lover
  2. Understand a little jealousy is cute, too much is oppressive. I don’t cheat so don’t worry, if I ain’t happy, I’ma leave you.
  3. I want a butch, full time, all the time, all day, everyday so please do not wear my clothes, shoes or makeup. If you’re femmey on Tuesdays and Thursdays, let me know upfront so I’m not all shocked and shit at your lip gloss poppin all of a sudden. I welcome gender fluidity in my friends, not so much in lovers.
  4. Be forewarned: sometimes I “feel a certain kind of way” and when I “feel a certain kind of way”, I dress butch. Usually I’m going thru something and need to feel protected so I retreat behind baggy clothes. I dress butch, still act femme. I’d say I “feel a certain kind of way” about once a month. You gotta be ai’ight with that.
  5. Not over your exes? Peace.
  6. Street and grimy, I love sooo so so much.
  7. Timbaland laces undone, jeans baggy, saggin a little low, sports bra, white tee, chiseled muscles. Yesyesyes.
  8. I am loud. I am outspoken. Please do not be intimidated. Know how to handle me without making me feel handled. Feel me? Let me rephrase so it’s clear cuz this can be a little sticky: I like a butch who knows how to hold me down, take care of me, who takes the time to learn me. Know that I like it grimy. Also know there’s a fine line between grimy and comin out your face. Learn that line and stay on the right side.
  9. Be easy. I need you to be chill and respect that I am a diva. There’s no point in me denying that shit—it’s the truth. Love and nurture the goddess I be. Know that I will always love the queen/king you be.
  10. I do not expect gifts or for you to pay my bills. I can and do take very good care of myself. I want sensuality, kindness, deep politicking, hand holding, to be listened to, to be held, laughter, dancing all night, soft kisses. These are the currencies I care most about. If you wanna spend money on me, go right ahead. It will not make me love you more. But I will say thank you.
  11. Have your shit together. If you’re still upset about shit that happened 16 years ago, please consider therapy. (Seriously.) I am not here to be your therapist. Work your shit out so we can actually have time to have fun instead of spending every waking moment processing thru every fucked up something that ever happened to you.
  12. Be clear about your issues. Commitment issues? A serial cheater? Lay your cards on the table.
  13. Speak your fuckin mind. Speak your fuckin heart. Share your fuckin soul. This is not about pulling teeth. I will not chase you. I will not play games, I will not say one thing then do another, keep you waiting, intentionally make you jealous, “test” you to see how much you care or use you. I will keep it real for real and want the same.
  14. I’m not gonna change for you. Don’t change for me.
  15. I am eclectic in my tastes—I love Fela, New Kids On The Block, Mary J. Bilge, Frente, Whitesnake, Pebbles, Fleetwood Mac, Tupac, Lil Wayne, Bonnie Raitt, The Supremes, Nirvana, Chaka Khan, Kenny Rogers, Ginuwine, Prince, Rihanna, Ani Difranco, Jay Z, the Village People, Peter Tosh, Wilson Phillips, Teddy Pendergrass. Appreciate that in me.
  16. I don’t wanna move in together. Keep your apartment and I’ll keep mine. Give me a minute to miss how your body feels. Please do not constantly be up under me, blowing up my phone, emailing and texting! We both had lives before we met, let’s not forget that just cuz the sex is so good.
  17. Know how to cook. I will not eat out of a can. (Yes I know how to cook. Well.)
  18. I’m African, specifically I am Nigerian. Respect my culture. No I’m not Yoruba or Igbo or Hausa. Get on google and learn something about where I’m from so we can have a real conversation about my culture and your culture.
  19. Do not post up on the wall at the club being the bad-ass,-don’t-give-a-fuck butch poster child. Come into the middle of the dance floor and shake it fast, slow, sexy and wild with me.
  20. Do not fight other butches to try to prove something. Your butchness should be natural and undeniable and not require violence to validate its depth or intensity. I want a hard butch, not a can’t-communicate-feelings-and-breaks-shit-when-angry butch. Butch does not mean emotionally stunted and spastically violent. As my dear friend K. said, “I can be masculine without being a patriarchal fuck.”
  21. Don’t be scurred. I’m cute. Folks is gonna holla. Be secure enough to realize…(see #2)
  22. Motorcycles are great. I love dykes on bikes and in trucks. LOL.
  23. I don’t want kids and I don’t wanna raise yours. Don’t try and convince me otherwise. So if you got some, I am not Mommy #2 waiting to pack kids’ lunches and attend PTA* meetings wearing sensible shoes and baking cookies. That just ain’t me. I like other people’s kids so yes I’m down for mentoring kids at a local community center. Raise them? Nope.
  24. I am not a fuckin trophie femme. I’m not a piece of ass you walk around with to prove how bad you are. These labels of ours do not define us, we define them.
  25. Age. This is a funny one. If you never heard of or watched YO! MTV Raps, you’re too young for me. If you were in middle school during the Watergate scandal, you’re too old for me.
  26. Do know how to work a strap, your tongue and fingers. (I can.) Do know how to make me wet with your breath on my neck, no words. (I definitely can.)
  27. Do read books, magazines, comics, newspapers, the nutritional facts of the foods you eat.
  28. Do smell good.
  29. Do call when you say you will.
  30. Do let me know your soul and heart. Do share your stories with me.
  31. Do let me hold you sometimes.
  32. Do know that I love your masculinity and love the woman you be.
  33. No smoking, no drinking, (social drinking okay.)
  34. Do keep a clean house.
  35. Do not define your masculinity according to sexist, straight male culture as men do not own the copyright on masculinity and we/you/I can create it ourselves.
  36. Do know that I know you got a list of your own and do know I’m waiting to read it.

*Parent Teacher Association


vNis said...

GUUUURLL!!! You crack me the f-- up!

You make it so hard on a girl.. Like.. "If you eva - EVA - touch my chapstick -- Imma cut'cha!"

Dayum, give a girl some room to grow!

I love you, keep sending your hilarity through ethernet. Its like you never left!

sky_painting said...

I caught this list from the angle of defining moments. Each numbered bullet point speaks to me of either a past moment (experienced, remembered or dreamt) or a future moment (anticipating, expecting, yearning). Very clear.
Preference, attraction, dynamics, the search...
Time has taught you what you prefer. Experience may have teased you a little bit with just a taste of what your looking for. It works to put it out there. I love it!

Sunu said...

Wow, this is a whole other kinda list - You broke it down much deeper than the list(s) I had before.. Like have a job and be honest and reliable and attractive and political and butch. I'm *so* with you on these detailed requirements *tho* I am trying the No List approach for a minute...Either way, you put these key sentiments into words which is always helpful, so thank you and thank you.

Sheki said...

My oh my! This my dear is to the point...just "fearless". I respect this!

Poet On Watch said...

Well, I am learing something. Thank you for being so clear and open it is really helping me find the sexual side of me. It might sound a little silly but it is. I work a lot and coming out in Texas is a whole another story. We will talk more.


daughter of my mama said...

lol @vNis: i love you too

@sky_painting: thanks boo for your thoughtful response!

@sunu: thank you right back, you continue to inspire me! the no list approach sounds like it could be hella liberating

@Sheki: thank you dear!

@Poet On Watch: i look forward to building with you! i've learned that specificity in desire is the key to fulfillment. if you don't know what you want, how will you recognize it when it shows up?

love to everyone who takes the time to read my humbly offered words. keep reading. xoxo

daughter of my mama said...

ps: i will be adding more items to this list soon, lol, & will re-post ;)

daughter of my mama said...

ps: i will be adding more items to this list soon, lol, & will re-post ;)

Brooklyn Soul Harlem Light said...

I loooove this post! I just sat in my office and read all 36 of them thinking Fly doesn't play! I pray she'll come to you. Is there symbolism in ending at 36? Hmmm...perhaps that's the age the universe will have you hearing the wedding bells? lol. Look at me analyzing and predicting! Anyway, you definitely know what you want in your woman and I admire that. I was also extremely impressed with several of the statements, how you seem to breakdown stereotypes by boldly stating your preferences and what works for you.

l'o said...


xo l'o

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