Monday, January 17, 2011

the hard part

photo credit: y. etaghene

I still believe in you. maybe it’s foolish. I feel foolish, because of the two of us, I’m the only one who believes. when did love become so transient? when did our love become so fickle? I don’t care about all the fucked up ways a heart can break, all I care about is the love. our love.

this is why I stay up, waiting for one song to say something to me that I can respond to. with a musing, wondering poem like this. I listen to this song like I would your breath. I’m not mad. anymore. It would be easier if I had anger in me.

there are days like this where I laugh with a friend. I watch how in love my friends are with each other. love is everywhere. a friend is getting married, another just let herself love again. and I look at myself. my life. my heart, broken. the nights aren’t the loneliest, they’re just when I’m my most still. the days are the hardest. people ask me how I am. I don’t want to lie, but beloved, I don’t have the energy to tell the truth. the truth is without you, something is missing. ever since I met you, whenever I’m without you, something is missing.

I don’t understand. I still believe. I don’t understand why or how I still believe. even now. even after you’ve disappeared, even after you’ve walked away, even after you’ve left in every possible way, over and over. broken your promises. and acted so selfish I can’t even recognize your name. even after you’ve taken every beautiful word you’ve murmured, proclaimed and written to me and twisted it into a lie. even now.

I feel foolish and I don’t understand. I will never understand how you could walk away from our love and not even leave me a post-it note explaining why. I can’t say your name the same. I don’t know you anymore.

I will love another woman, that’s not the hard part. the hard part is she won’t be you. but maybe the best part is that she won’t be you.


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