Tuesday, October 28, 2008

front street, puttin my business on it

i pretend to be mature
calm, respectable even
but i want you closer than my skin
i want you to drive your
neat, manicured butch fingers
into me with loving ferocity
to make me scream and grind up on you
i want to feel the pressure of your weight on top of me
i want you
to take control of me
to completely take me over
and make me your woman in that bed
i want that to be our bed
and i want you to hear the moans you make me moan
i want you to know how wet you make me
with just the thought of you.
i want you to make it feel so good i can't think or control the pleasure
until i stutter your name
forget my own
wrap my legs around you
to pull you in as deep as you can go
i want to feel you feel the inside of me
i want to feel that slow building explosion
and i want you to hold me after
to make me feel safe and perfect and beautiful
can you do that?
can you do that?
cuz i want it like that
just like that
but better.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

fuckin beautiful

i went to the doctor tuesday. i do not have fibroids--i am completely healthy. i am so so thankful!

my friend was drinking tea the other day, one of those tea bags at the end of which is some hella deep quote that i guess you're supposed to ponder as you sip. this one read "the moment you love, you are unlimited." i think that's fuckin beautiful.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

learned behavior & gardens

i don't know how to act in response to a woman who just wants to hold me. i don't know how to lay down and be held. shit is deep. i grew used to being the one who always had to have her shit together, always had to be the strong one, always had to hold shit down, could never break down, never just got to lay down and get taken care of. didn't know what it felt like to just lay the fuck down and not have to take care of some emergency or clean up some mess or finish off a fight still lingering in the air from this morning or last night or last month or 5 minutes ago.

i don't know how to act with a woman who says i'm sorry when i say that hurt me, then kisses me and opens doors for me and looks at me softly without saying anything and that's saying something i ain't heard in a long fuckin time. and i don't know how to act when we just fuckin get along. so...this armor i have on isn't necessary? is that what you're telling me? i've been waiting for you to hurt me, that's why i still got it on.

learned behavior has my guard so far up, so wide, so deep that i can barely see the garden in front of me. but i see you, i do.

Friday, October 10, 2008


{eulogy for the unborn?}

i don't feel like being sentimental. i don't feel like being soft.

i have a womb i don't use.
the doctor said i might have fibroids
as easily if she were saying good morning
as if fibroids doesn't sometimes cause cancer
as if women with fibroids aren't sometimes given hysterectomies as treatment/
a woman having to part ways with an organ she was born with--this is the best western medicine has to offer?

i never imagined myself having an ultrasound
especially not one where the doctor is takin pictures of the inside of me
to tell me
if i'm okay
to tell me
if they're benign
or malignant

i don't want kids
so i'm not feeling fucked up today
because i'm scared i'll never have the kids i don't want
i'm feeling fucked up today
because this is my womb
and i want to keep her

{test results pending}
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