Friday, June 24, 2011


Photo Credit: Rebecca Emmanuelle
Pictured: Etaghene + Adaku Utah

the tears are persistent so I’ll write.

I’m performing my one woman show for the first time in 2 years in 14 days. in it is so much that scares me and moves me, that holds me and makes me want to run, so much tenderness, anger, joy, wonder, discovery. the show is me offering all I am to all of you. that’s some scary shit. I’m scared. why do I do this? why do I write all this sacred down? why do I write all the fears down then insist on sharing? I want to be confident. but I’m not. it’s not like I haven’t rocked shows before, traveled before, shared this work before. but the show is different now than it’s ever been. I’m different now than I’ve ever been. and I want you to get it. to get me. and I want to be able to relax. I’m not relaxed. it’s the kind of day that you need India.Arie to sing to you and tell you it’ll be okay.

I don’t know what reassuring words I need to hear or that there are any. I spoke to Adaku and she gave me that still wise earth love that she always brings me. and I think I feel better. but I am all kinds of scared and the tears are insistent today. quiet like rain that sneaks up on you.

at rehearsal last night with my director there were tears and laughter. I love that woman—a sister, a comrade, an amazing artist. she is so loving, so dope, so insightful. it’s deep to look in the face of your own life and see for the first time what you didn’t know was there reflected back at you in and amongst your words, your verses, your paragraphs, your pages. words you wrote revealing a you you didn’t even know about. and then figure out how to share those truths with hella people. and I know why I do this. I do this because I was born to. I don’t second-guess that. but this shit it hard. and I want to be ready. and I want to do right by the truths of my life. and I want more time. and I need a vacation. a retreat. to sleep in. I want pancakes. and—

the tears are like a lake in my eyes. still as summer in the middle of somewhere that people only visit when they want reflective solitude. still as that.

it’s deep because the only difference between “sacred” and “scared” is the placement of 2 letters. okay then.

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