where i is, how i feel

I asked you to hold me

a long time ago

you didn’t or you didn’t the way I wanted to,

it hurt

I remember these things randomly, unexpected memories traipse through my day that I shrug off,

make a joke about,

no bitterness

a part of me still shivers when I remember the love we made

but that doesn’t mean I want you back

it means you knew how to fuck.

a friend said today that I look so content

I work at this

I don’t chase butches no more. I don’t chase no one no more.

just working on making my dreams come true

and laughing

and being a good person

and being honest

and saying stop when I mean stop

no when I mean no

yes when it feels right

that’s it

it ain’t fancy

it’s hella simple

I still love you

I just won’t let that love kill or define me

that’s what done changed.

lettin go, bein FREE

i love you so much

i love you so much

so much more than you love that pain in your chest you’ve made the love of your life

you keep your failures closer to you than you do me

I revel in all that we could be

you tell me with your actions and your silences

all we won’t be

and what can I do but pine and write this poem and shake my head?

baby it’s a shame you don’t know your own name

or the colors we could create with our dancing

if we were to dance with our heartbeats as the drumbeat

baby

you know I love you so much you make my flow

sound so thorough

you make me giddy

I made me steady though and I know that

you want me sometime, later, later

you don’t believe in now

you believe in what’s hurt you

I want you to fly with me

you want to cry without me

baby

I can’t be the martyr who holds heartache in my arms in lieu of you

the breath in your chest

is enough to stop a monsoon in its tracks

but you don’t hear me though

that smile you got locked away smoldering in the back of your throat

could make last month’s eclipse come back to catch a glimpse of you

if you just believed it

but you don’t believe it

you’re twisted over all the things we can’t change

refusing to understand all that we can

we can. we could. we would if you opened up

if you could be bigger than your swag and all the sexy braggadocio you roll with

we could unfold potential

and BE

potential is the excuse we use to hide from this moment

making love to potential is like kissing smoke

I want lips and arms and laughter and faith and to make it happen.

give your word and move with it in your chest

I’ve loved you for so long already

and you still ain’t ready

and I don’t know when you gonna be ready

or if you ever gonna be ready

you

hiding from your own brilliance

it hurts to see your shine when you think you’re in the dark asking to borrow a flashlight when you are the sun

I love you

more than you know, more than you realize you deserve

and I have to let you go

because you’re holding me back

baby

if only you knew what’s in me for you

you run so much, so far, so fast

I feel you on another continent of feeling when you beside me

I see the you you think nobody could love and I love you

I love you

baby

baby…