Wednesday, October 15, 2008

learned behavior & gardens

i don't know how to act in response to a woman who just wants to hold me. i don't know how to lay down and be held. shit is deep. i grew used to being the one who always had to have her shit together, always had to be the strong one, always had to hold shit down, could never break down, never just got to lay down and get taken care of. didn't know what it felt like to just lay the fuck down and not have to take care of some emergency or clean up some mess or finish off a fight still lingering in the air from this morning or last night or last month or 5 minutes ago.

i don't know how to act with a woman who says i'm sorry when i say that hurt me, then kisses me and opens doors for me and looks at me softly without saying anything and that's saying something i ain't heard in a long fuckin time. and i don't know how to act when we just fuckin get along. so...this armor i have on isn't necessary? is that what you're telling me? i've been waiting for you to hurt me, that's why i still got it on.

learned behavior has my guard so far up, so wide, so deep that i can barely see the garden in front of me. but i see you, i do.

2 comments:

di said...

***cheering for you***

Nhlanhla said...

....how does one bring down those walls...so familiar, so safe...soo

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