ultrasound

{eulogy for the unborn?}

i don't feel like being sentimental. i don't feel like being soft.

i have a womb i don't use.
the doctor said i might have fibroids
as easily if she were saying good morning
as if fibroids doesn't sometimes cause cancer
as if women with fibroids aren't sometimes given hysterectomies as treatment/
a woman having to part ways with an organ she was born with--this is the best western medicine has to offer?

i never imagined myself having an ultrasound
especially not one where the doctor is takin pictures of the inside of me
to tell me
if i'm okay
to tell me
if they're benign
or malignant

i don't want kids
so i'm not feeling fucked up today
because i'm scared i'll never have the kids i don't want
i'm feeling fucked up today
because this is my womb
and i want to keep her



{test results pending}